6 Tips For Practicing Healthy Boundaries In Your Relationships

What are boundaries?

To put it simply, boundaries are what define the way you navigate interacting with others.  They are the metaphorical lines you draw based upon your comfort level when relating with the people and world around you.  They are a beautiful way to offer yourself care and compassion. 

Boundaries can and will look different for every person, and will likely vary from one relationship to another, and will typically fall into one of the following categories:

• Emotional
• Sexual
• Physical
• Intellectual
• Time
• Material

I truly believe that practicing intentional boundaries is one of the keys to having healthy and fulfilling relationships while also maintaining and optimizing your overall well-being.

And even though relationships are among the most influential aspects of our life, most of us weren’t ever really taught what boundaries are, let alone how to use and implement these vital tools.  But hey, it’s never too late to start!

Here are 6 tips for creating healthy boundaries in your relationship:

Clarify Your Values and Priorities:

Your core beliefs and values are what shape the way in which you relate to the world around you.  When setting healthy, effective boundaries, it is important to take time to identify your core beliefs, values, and priorities in order to help you delineate where and how you may be able to implement boundaries in your life.

Be Clear About Your Boundaries With Yourself First:

Recognizing your needs, wants, and desires, and identifying what boundaries could be put in place in order to cultivate and support these is a crucial first step to setting boundaries.  You can’t implement and maintain healthy boundaries if you’re not clear with what these will look like for yourself first.

Allow Flexibility and Practice Self-Compassion:

If boundaries feel new for you and you don’t have many clearly set in place in your relationships right now, it’s okay to allow yourself to start small and create incremental changes.  Remember that old habits can sometimes die hard.  If you notice yourself having a hard time holding certain boundaries, or find yourself falling into old, unhealthy patterns, rather than getting frustrated with yourself (which I totally get can be a natural part of the boundary setting process), I encourage you to look at it as an opportunity to reflect.  Identity what changes you could make next time and take a look at any potential adjustments you could make in the way you communicate and implement the boundary in the future.

Use Clear and Direct Communication:

Just as it’s important to be clear with yourself around your boundaries, it is also a crucial step to clearly define and reiterate your boundaries using direct communication when setting and upholding them with others.  Say what you mean and back it up with consistency. 

Don’t Depend on Other People to Uphold Your Boundaries:

At the end of the day, your boundaries are ultimately up to you to uphold and maintain.  Of course, there are absolutely exceptions to this, and it can certainly feel discouraging when you’re feeling someone is not respecting our boundaries, but it is up to you to decide how you would like to navigate these circumstances.  In fact, when this happens it may just be an opportunity to reflect on how you are upholding your part of the boundary and how you may need to make adjustments moving forward.

However, just because someone else doesn’t like or approve of your boundary does not mean you need to change it.  In fact, in many cases, someone pushing back on or expressing lack of approval around a boundary is likely affirmation for the very reason you are setting it to begin with.  Remember, what you allow you teach. Your happiness, well-being, and boundaries are not based upon the approval of others.

Consistency is key!  Let’s say you are setting a boundary with your friend and explain that you are choosing to no longer engage in conversation with her about a particular topic.  She is receptive and states that she understands, but then the next time you hang out she starts talking about said topic again. You’re left to feel frustrated and unheard.  What didn’t she understand when you set the boundary?  Why is she bringing it up again when you said you wouldn’t talk to her about it anymore? You end up feeling like your boundary just isn’t working and now you’re stuck feeling uncomfortable and talking to her about it anyways.

This is an example of establishing a boundary, but not maintaining or implementing it.

You have the most important role in this boundary.  You stated you would no longer engage in conversation around this topic, so don’t.  You have already communicated this to your friend.  It is now your responsibility to uphold your boundary and be consistent in backing that with intention and action.

Get Comfy with Being Uncomfortable:

Cozy up with the fact that holding your boundaries will likely not always feel easy or comfortable.  So many of us tend to compromise our own boundaries or let them fall by the wayside because they are uncomfortable to maintain.  An important reminder here if you find yourself falling into this pattern, you are setting the boundary for a reason.  The change you are seeking will never occur if you do not provide consistency with your boundary.  This does not mean you can’t be flexible because, of course, there may be times when we need to adjust boundaries through time, but make sure to be transparent with yourself.  Are you shifting the way you hold a boundary because it is the most supportive or because you are avoiding discomfort?

If you’d like to learn more specific ways to help improve the relationships and boundaries in your life or aren’t quite sure where to start, here is more info on how we can work together!