4 Signs You May Be Conflict Avoidant

Those people who tell you they’re in a healthy relationship because they “never fight” were lying.  Because either there is conflict and they’re covering it up OR they are avoiding it.  And the thing is, all healthy relationships will come with their fair share of conflict.

Conflict is entirely unavoidable in a sustainable, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.

If you find yourself avoiding conflict, then you are absolutely also pushing down your own feelings and bottling up your emotions.  I’m getting ahead of myself though, so let’s start out by getting clear about something. 

What is conflict avoidance?

Conflict avoidance essentially breaks down to behaving in ways that avoid disagreements, interactions, or communication that has the potential of leading to discomfort due to fear of “making” other people mad or upset.  Typically, folks who are conflict avoidant will hold an overall expectation that there will be negative reactions or subsequent consequences as a result of addressing things directly, therefore, even when the conflict is healthy, they will choose to avoid the interactions at all costs.

And if you’re reading this like “yep, that’s me”

I totally get it, conflict is absolutely not my favorite thing either.  But the thing about conflict is,

It’s ultimately unavoidable.  Actually no, it is entirely not avoidable. At all.  At least not if you are looking for a healthy relationship.

In fact, avoiding conflict in your relationships can have really harmful effects on them, as it can create emotional distancing and make it challenging to establish and practice healthy boundaries (just to name a few things).

Relationships are hard and are literally ALWAYS going to come with some degree of conflict.

And you may be avoiding this conflict for a lot of different reasons:

• Attempting to avoid rejection
• Not wanting to feel even more discomfort or pain
• Maintaining emotional safety
• Fear of getting more hurt than you already are.

All can be valid reasons, but guess what? 

Avoiding conflict does not make it go away.

In fact, the longer that you avoid addressing it, the longer it has to sit and fester inside of you, which can (and will) create more resentment and pain.

Perhaps in certain relationships this is how you’ve been conditioned.

Maybe it felt safest for you to keep things in rather than deal with the ramifications and drama that might ensue if you shared them.

Here are 4 signs you might be conflict avoidant:

1. Instead of addressing issues or concerns with other people directly, you find yourself emotionally and/or physically withdrawing when you sense tension or the potential for conflict.
• You know that feeling that creeps into your body when it feels like someone might be mad or upset with you? That’s the one you like to avoid at all costs.  Even in times when you recognize that addressing the issue would very likely lead to resolution, you find yourself avoiding it like the plague and distancing yourself from the topic, person or situation at the very thought of someone being frustrated with you.   
2. You notice that you often acquiesce or go along with other people’s decisions, desires, or demands, regardless of if it’s actually something that you want to do.
• Although you may be clear about how you feel about things, it feels easier to just “go with the flow” or go along with what someone else prefers, even when it’s not what you want (and perhaps especially what you don’t want) because it feels easier than speaking up and advocating for your own needs.  If you resonate with this you probably also find yourself doing this to avoid an argument or uncomfortable conversation in instances when you know you don’t agree with or share the same values as someone else.  You likely do this because you know it might turn into an argument and you’d prefer to just comply and conform to their desires than face the tension of speaking up and expressing your own.  
3. You often find yourself as the “peacekeeper” in your relationships and prefer prioritizing pleasing other people in order to avoid confronting them and addressing issues you may be having.
• This is probably a role you’ve found yourself in for a long time.  You feel responsible for “keeping the peace” in your family, at work, with your friends, and are probably pretty good at it too.  It's almost as if keeping other people happy is the very thing that feels like it keeps you together.  Except that it doesn’t, and you know that, but you also don’t know how to do it differently.  Or maybe you do, but it scares the shit out of you to consider what it might be like to put your own needs before someone else’s.  You feel the weight of this role crushing your spirit, but it also feels like the only way you know how to navigate situations when conflict or tensions arises.  
4. You‘d rather deal with the discomfort of pushing something down and not saying anything at all than the potential discomfort that could arise if you address something with someone directly and it makes them upset or contributes to a reaction from them.
• You know that feeling that creeps into your body when it feels like someone might be mad or upset with you? That’s the one you like to avoid at all costs, even when that means dealing with the discomfort of holding in how you’re really feeling. That sounds much more palatable than the discomfort that could come from your reaction to the way someone else may respond as a result of confronting them about an issue you may be having.  You also may be terrified of being perceived as selfish or “too much” if you share how you’re really feeling. You long to to share your perspective with your loved one, but you also want to avoid the blow up or emotional response that might come from this (probably from lots of past experiences where this has occurred), so instead you decide to just hold it in.  Again.  

If you resonate with one or more of these, you are not alone.

Conflict avoidance is one of the most common things I help clients work through to support the improvement of their relationships  and through this if I can encourage you to take anything from this, it would be this…

Choosing to avoid conflict, whatever the reason may be, does not and will not make it go away.

If you want to learn more about how conflict avoidance shows up for you specifically and how you can make healthy changes in your relationships follow me on Instagram and click here to schedule a complimentary 1:1 coaching session with me!